Navigation Bar Blue

Friday, 29 November 2013

Coffee With a Cute Guy and More Growth

About 2 weeks back, I exchanged numbers with a cute guy on Grindr named B and have kept him on my contact ever since. Yesterday on a late Sunday afternoon, I made my way into this particular area of the city centre to meet him for coffee, even though I wondered to myself if it was such a good idea to hang out in the same place again after all the depressive feelings it gave me.

The place was packed, but I found a table and waited with fidgeting hands for him to arrive. I was a little nervous at how the evening was going to turn out. I know we were meeting as acquaintances, but deep down, I held on to the possibility of making out with him even though I was prepared for nothing to happen.

B arrived and I stood up to shake his hand. He was every bit as attractively good-looking, and as masculine as his pictures. Although what was recognisably gay about him were his subtle gestures, way of speech, body language and Topman-inspired style of dressing. But even so, the whole package was physically attractive.

As a gentleman who offered to buy him coffee, I finally returned to the table with our drinks in hand feeling slightly more confident. He intimidates me very much because not only was he 4 years my junior and attractive, but he also commands a certain air of maturity around him.

I told him that because of his good-looks, I was betting on not getting a reply the first time I reached out to him on Grindr. He laughed and said everybody tells him that. Throughout the 4 hours that we sat down together, the conversation revolved mainly around me getting to know him. He is openly out to his friends but not his family. 

I felt a strong sense of inferiority within myself when he talked about the many gay experiences he's had. Whether its gay friendships, gay relationships, going to gay clubs, sexual encounters, gay parties and also how in touch he was with gay life. I even learnt a few tips from him on what to look out for.

What amazes me was the positive way he turned out as a guy who went through an abusive childhood mainly from his alcoholic father who passed away couple of years ago. I asked him where he stood in regard to sadness and if he ever had a problem with his homosexuality. His answer was never because he has always been comfortable with who he was and started to explore the moment he turned 18.

He explains that he prioritises himself first and is generally a very happy person who doesn't seem to have one depressive gene in his body. He also mentioned about his past failures and his weight-loss journey to attractiveness, which started getting him a lot of attention not just from other gay guys and straight girls, but also propositions for part-time modelling gigs. 

He said despite it all, he doesn't feel that he's good-looking. I went on to reaffirm that he was and asked if he enjoys the attention. He said he certainly enjoys it but doesn't believe in it. I was quite amazed by how this guy continues to maintain a very humble and down-to-earth personality. In addition to that, he told me that he's actually a very shy and passive person at heart.

Through my years of growing up around people, I have come to develop an accurate sixth sense-like feeling when it comes to gauging someone based on their genuineness. And surprisingly after everything we talked about, I realised that he is unmistakably a very nice guy at heart who is attractive in body and in personality. I felt the familiar arrows of inferiority and insecurity pierce through me as I tried to ignore the pain.

After about 3 hours of observation, it struck me that we didn't really talked much about me and that he didn't really bother to ask questions too. There were many intervals throughout our conversation in which I waited for him to do so, but he just sat there comfortably in silence and in cool.

A part of me tells me: Nah it's okay, it doesn't matter. His young, passive... Probably isn't very interested in asking an older guy about his life. But then another part starts to tell me: Wait a minute, that still doesn't feel right. Is something wrong? Better pay attention to what it means and the signs life is sending you!

During the last hour of us finishing up our coffee, he started to point out the guys who have been giving him eye-contact to me. On one hand I was fascinated as an observant, but on the other I felt a little left out.

I curiously asked why doesn't he reciprocate the eye-contacts by approaching them head on and saying "Hi". He said it's not his style and plus, he doesn't like being invited to the toilet for some sexual fun. I mentally wrote a note to myself and immediately jettisoned whatever make-out ideas I had with him in my head.

The interesting part of our hang out was when he proceeded to identify every gay guy that started to pass us by. As somebody who has never been with another gay guy who does that, I enjoyed it immensely because I felt it was a practical lesson for me in gaydar development. An old guy with giant biceps worthy of concrete columns walked past and he commented: "See that one is obvious man!"

"Hell yeah! Is that because of his age and the ridiculous size of those guns?", I asked. "Yeah definitely!", he replied and we both laughed. Gradually, he also started to notice some of the guys he has seen on the gay apps and proceeded to point out those who have previously tried to sent him messages. That's quite a number of guys, I thought to myself.

His Grindr has been on all along and he starts showing me a couple of guys that have been messaging him ever since he arrived in the area. A good-looking guy from Australia within close distance has been talking to him, but gave B some lame excuse when he was asked to come by and say hello. I felt envious of the attention he commanded and wondered if I will ever get the same treatment.

At the thought of challenging myself to see where I stood, I decided to use the wi-fi and launched my gay apps. Initially I didn't realise it at all, but suddenly my eyes were telling me that the table behind us were all gay too. 

"Yeah! They all are. It's so obvious!", B reconfirmed the 3 guys behind us, along with 4 other guys that were seated at the table next to us.

"Wow, you knew this all along? I wasn't even aware of it until the moment I just told you!", I said. 

"Yeah they all reacted big time when they saw me using Grindr on my phone! I think they're using it now too!", said B. I took a glance and all of them at the table were indeed engrossed on their phones. 

"Hey, one of the guys just sent me a message! Is this picture him?", B showed me the profile picture that was on his screen. I took another glance at the table behind and nodded my head.

"Which one of the 3?", B asks. I said the one with the green cap but proceeded to comment on how masculine he looks in the picture in contrast to his real life mannerisms.

"Hey I think they recognise our profiles. They're currently giggling among each other as they look over to us", I said impassively.

"Hahaha, well they could just turn around and say 'Hi'!", B replied with a subtle roll in his eye. "We're right behind them."

After a while the guys around us left. B was still enjoying the attention he was getting on Grindr. I unfortunately wasn't having much luck. I sent the same Australian guy a message but never got a reply. In fact, his profile disappeared from my grid after a few minutes which meant that there was a possibility that he blocked me. That hurt but I tried not to dwell on the feeling.

The time was close to 8pm and B had to leave. So we shook hands, gave each other a hug and he left while I stayed back to see if there was a chance of me getting lucky. A French guy got in touch, but halfway through he left me hanging. 

After that, a few other guys did the same too which dug out annoying frustration in me. I continued to exchange more messages with a couple more guys whom I found attractive, but nothing concrete seemed to materialise.

Then my mind started to turn destructively on itself as I compared the attention B was getting in comparison to me. I could have easily believed that it has nothing to do with me as a person or how I look or whatever, but my self-esteem took a negative dip and I started to feel very depressed sitting alone in public.

"Christ, look at you M. You know this would happen and you knew that hanging out here would depress you. Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself? You're pathetic! You're just sitting around like a puppy, messaging every attractive guy on the apps and just waiting for them to respond to you in a non-lackadaisical way when you don't even have enough respect for yourself not to be affected by it. Why do you try so hard? Why have you become so consumingly desperate? And for what?"

After the voice gave it's input, I wondered if this horrible feeling was life's way of trying to teach me something that I have yet to realise. I suddenly felt an intense surge of anger and frustration. I left the coffee house to take night walk in the opulent city park, hoping that I would calm down.

As I walk, I saw that the whole world within the area was so happy. It made me feel like the loneliest guy on Earth in this skyscraper dotted park. I felt lost and I felt sad. I thought about my career, my happiness, and the many aspects of my life that is unfulfilled and struggling to play catch-up.

I lifted my head and looked up to the sky without knowing what I was doing. I looked up with a constricted heart, wondering if there truly was a "presence" who could see me now? Does he or it know who am I and what I'm going through? Does he or it care about the person and the pure-hearted boy that I am, and does that make a difference?

As those sentiments coursed through my veins, I felt a tingling burn in my nose and I started to cry as I walk. Through the trees, past the children's playground, past the lake, across the bridge, past the crowds, past the lovers, wiping my tears discreetly through it all. After completing a big round around the park, I headed for the train station to go home.

45 minutes later, the train I was in approached its final platform and I suddenly welled up again in the midst of my thoughts, but held back because I was in public. As soon as I got out of the station, I walked in fast strides towards the car because my eyes were already flooded with the second batch of tears.

As I got in and shut the doors, I sat there for a blank eerily cold moment of silence. Then I felt the heat build up again in my nose and this time, I started to weep. I wept, and wept, and wept in the driver's seat like somebody who hasn't had a good cry in a long time.

I was sobbing so hard against the steering wheel for all the things and emotions that seem to have expanded inside of me. My inferiority, my insecurity, my sense of worth, my self-loathing, my lost of direction in life and everything else that is troubling me.

After the long cry, I finally stopped, calmed down and cleaned myself up. As logic made its way back into my head: "Wow. Feels much better now. Jee, I hope that was it. What the hell was that? Gotta stop being a baby and move on."

I started the ignition and took a slow drive home. I avoided my Mom and headed upstairs to take a hot shower. As I laid in bed, I instinctively opened my tab to write all of this down. But I was just too exhausted with my emotions that I chose to go to bed and come back to write this the next day when I feel more recharged with a clear head.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Spotting Hot Guys in My Historical Hometown

Last Friday, this close girl friend and I were spending some time together in my historical hometown down south where I was born. As we strolled along a lively street that was lined with alfresco seating pubs and bars during the night, a table of tourist eye-candies caught my attention and I tried to walk it off.

"Oh M, I know you want to sit here so that we can look at them", my friend said while looking at me with a smile. I said yes they're very hot. But I don't want to torture myself again tonight by looking at hot guys so let's just go to the bar in front.

After choosing a table outdoors and ordering our drinks, we settled down to enjoy the crowded atmosphere and the live band that was playing. I obviously got restless at some point and started to people watch as I gulp my bottle of chilled beer. There are lots of attractive people here too.

Then I recognised the towering hot guy seated at a table in front of us. Earlier on while we were strolling around this quaint town, I've seen him around too and deliberately earmarked him as high on the hot list of hot guys I've seen for the day. And now, he's right here within spying distance. 

He was wearing a shirt that accentuated his beautiful muscular V-back and his concrete well built physique. He has perfectly short blond hair, haunting deep eyes, defined nose, chiselled jaw and an arousing stubble. His neck, biceps, arms, legs and thighs seem to suggest that he is capable of giving out good genes. He was a full grown adult male and I can smell his male pheromones. I felt a slight tremble in myself. Damn, he's my man. I love him.

For the next hour, I couldn't keep my eyes off him and groped every part that is 'him'. Jesus God! I know all the things I'm gonna wanna do to that body and have him do things to me. I didn't like the fact that he was seated with his date, an exotic looking hot girl who could play a role in one of those island setting films. They were engaged in each other with relaxed interest, looking like they were in their "honeymoon stage" of dating. I felt a stench of jealousy.

"M, stop looking at him! You're making me look too! He's really hot...", said my friend as I laughed. I told her I can't help it. "Did you see all the other girls that were checking him out as they walk by?", she asked as a matter of factly. In order to stop looking at him, we tried to divert our focus towards looking at other people and also trying to guess which couple or person here will be "getting lucky" tonight.

Then the hot guy paid for the bill with his credit card and started to stroll away with his date. We turned out heads and finally there was touching and hugging between them. "Ho ho! He's getting lucky with her tonight. No wait, actually... she's getting lucky with him tonight. Oh wait... Well let's just say they're both gonna get lucky tonight M!", she said to me with a slight chuckling tease.

My mind started to imagine him having fun with her, the intimacy between them and of how he's going to grant somebody else the chance to enjoy sex with him. My face was ridden with jealousy even though it's none of my business. Suddenly, the inner voice scolds: Oh my god, M what the hell are you doing? It's none of your goddamn business who he sleeps with. Stop it! Stop it right now.

After about 30 minutes, I was still paying attention to everybody on the street. Suddenly, I spotted another good-looking foreigner dressed in a black T-shirt walking side by side with a younger plump local guy who was less pleasant to the eyes. I can't explain it, I knew instinctively that they were a travel hook-up because I had a hunch that I might have also seen the good-looking guy on the gay apps about an hour ago.

As soon as I saw the good-looking guy turning onto our street, I kept my eyes on his to see if I was right. Somehow within the sea of people, he immediately caught my gaze and he looked back with his beautiful eyes for a few lingering long seconds as he continued to walk past us. Jackpot he returned my eye-contact! He's gay and he's cute!

I couldn't get that erotic eye-contact moment out of my head so I turned on my gay app and sent a message to the good-looking guy's profile hoping that it was him. He answered me a while later in French and my heart jumped in excitement at the language. After a couple more messages, I discovered that it really was him and he's a traveller from the city where beautiful people would pass me by every day.

I started to ask if there was a chance of us hooking up, but unfortunately my city was not on his itinerary. I was a little disappointed because I couldn't get his beautiful eyes out of my head. Anyway, we exchanged contacts and I requested to keep in touch. Hopefully next year if I ever travel back there again, we'll have the chance to meet for real.

On our way back, I apologised to her if I might have been too inexplicably carried away with my hot guy infatuation. She laughed and said it's okay. I told her about my feelings of unworthiness and lack of confidence when I see hot guys.

I said: "Remember the Law of Attraction? You know whenever I see someone out of my league, my mind automatically generates these feelings of unworthiness in the form of 'I don't have, I can't have, I'm not handsome enough etc'. Maybe that's why nothing comes to me because I am telling the world I am unworthy." 

"Recently I'm starting to think that maybe the lesson here is to start learning how to turn those feelings around to trick your mind to start feeling the feel of: 'I have' or 'I can have'. Because that changes the energetic tone of everything! It's like you're shifting the energy from unworthiness to tricking your mind to tell the universe that your dreams are possible, and that you are actually worthy of attracting the guys that might be beyond your league. What do you think?"

She agreed in confidence and said that it actually makes sense from the way I put it. But she also thought that perhaps the trick to turning things around also lies in me. That whenever I see an attractive guy from now, I need to remind myself too that I am hot in my own way rather than feel inferior or unworthy. Her explanation is that the principle of the law is that like attracts like, and you need to believe that you are attractive in your own way to be able to attract other like-minded attractive guys who are already feeling themselves, to you.

Sunday, 24 November 2013

Life in the Body of a Human Being

A couple of days ago, I came across a very nice saying that went something like:

As soon as you die, your identity becomes a "Body". People use phrases like: "Bring the Body", "Lower the Body in the Grave", "Take the Body to the Graveyard", etc. People don't even call you by your name whom you tried to impress whole life.

Take chances... Spend money on the things you love, laugh till your stomach hurts, dance even if you are too bad at it, pose stupidly for photos, be child-like. Death is not the greatest loss in life. Loss is when life dies inside you while you are alive.

After seeing the profound message, I got to thinking about a previous post I've written titled: Am I Truly More Significant Than My Container?, which explores the same concept of how we as earthly beings are actually a form of pure energy that is being contained within a body. The body is in fact a "container" that holds our spirit, allowing it to experience life.

But when we die, the pure energy that makes us the soulful being that we are, leaves the container and moves on to another plane or form, effectively leaving behind what is now "the body". I know the whole package is definitely more complex than how I've just put it, but these are some of my mere thoughts for the journal.

Friday, 22 November 2013

Mail: The Anonymous Guy Who Feels Despondent

An anonymous commenter left a long letter at the end of the post titled: Half-Hearted Sex in the Car |.

His Comment:
I've found your blog (generally) very helpful. Words can't really express how much I've been touched by reading through your hopes and disappointments. It means a lot to hear other guys have similar very contrastive feelings, desires, sometimes self loathings and disappointments. 

I'm a very closed guy, straight acting and frequently get attention from girls which is sad because I wish I found them attractive. Mind I've never had any attention from guys, only very jokey comments from guys I've known a long time and know are straight like that I look handsome or nice in a bow tie.

This blog particularly upsets and relieves me as I had a similarly very uncomfortable experience with a guy. Only mine was very damaging for me psychologically. It was the first time I'd ever had any courage to try anything with a guy, if I'm honest it didn't happen long ago and I've not done anything since.

I tried finding a first experience by chatting online on a 'meet up' site. I hoped that talking, before possibly trying anything more, would help me to explore my feelings and provide me with some mental release by vocalising being gay. I had had no experience whatsoever and had not even kissed anyone before I agreed to meet someone. 

The guy turned out to be much older. I wasn't attracted by him physically but I felt like I'd miss an opportunity if I changed my mind and went ahead. He said I was a beautiful which was so intense for me to hear and though he said is a lot he then he sort of lost all subtlety and was then very rough with me. Eg: Oral (I'm also uncircumcised and extremely sensitive when I'm 'uncovered') and by hand. 

He wanted to go top on me but I told him no as I'm not ready for it and not entirely keen. In the end I ended up helping him out twice. I knew I wouldn't come while he worked on me as he just worked me too hard (I'm uncircumcised and very sensitive too unfortunately). Anyway, it was very unpleasant for me although he seemed to enjoy himself. 

Afterwards I found myself overwhelmed by a sense of shame and the experience was just bad. It turns me off the idea of ever trying again. I'm closed and unaccepting of myself really and although I find many men so painfully beautiful I keep hidden all my desires. But I think, now hitting my mid 20s, I'm getting to old to be inexperienced and my life so far is taking me down another route of rejecting my feelings altogether or at most to simply enjoying and admiring guys secretly from afar.

In a way though I think I'm happy. I know I do not have the kind of character to put myself through the massive mental chaos of exploring like you have. I'm an awful combination of a hopeless romantic wo wants love and who likes men but who utterly despises the idea of having numerous partners and is incapacitated by lack of and bad past experiences!

Your post has helped me to kind of stand back though and ask myself what is important to me personally, in my general happiness and as it stand I think that I am perfectly happy with my lot. I do hope you find companionship and love though. What bliss it would be to belong to someone who loves you.

#  #  #

My Thoughts:
Hi there. Thank you so much for your gracious thoughts about Gay & Invisible and also for the well wishes in the end. When I first came across what you wrote, it took me a while to reflect on the kind of reply I want to give you. Should I ask you to find the courage within yourself to come out and stand firm for what your heart truly wants? Or should I respect your desire to stay in silent retreat if that makes you happy?

I think despite being the "straight-acting" guy that you refer yourself to be, the part of you that is attracted to the same sex has definitely arrived at a point where it spurred you on to go in search of gay sexual experiences. There is a saying that goes: No matter what the outcome, you gain courage just by trying. 

You went on the 'meet up' site and made yourself go through the whole process even though you were physically not attracted to him, and that you did it out of not wanting it to be a missed opportunity. In this case, I would personally like to laud you for your sense of perseverance and courage in trying to get some answers. It's never easy but you somehow managed to do it for yourself. So recognise it and reaffirm it, not for anybody but for yourself.

On the other hand, I think you shouldn't let one bad experience with a guy on your first initial try, push you further into the closet and ruin your spirit of ever wanting to put yourself out there again. Don't focus on it as a bad experience, but rather look at it as a learning experience or a practical platform for you to make mistakes and sexually discover yourself with regard to what you like and what you don't.

We're all not born with the innate skill of being comfortable and good at gay sex. But you know, the more you engage yourself in practice, the better you become at it and the better the experience and the guys you will start to attract. Don't give up on hope or yourself!

With regard to your sense of shame, I think that's normal. It will fade in time when you start to get more comfortable with yourself and also with the experiences you are having with guys. I personally struggle with it still throughout my posts, like the one you have just commented. But I can assure you that it does get better each time.

There are many people in world who live in places where they are not allowed to be who they are and sometimes, even serving harsh punishments for just being gay. So I guess what I'm trying to say to you is, please don't throw away the idea of possibly living an openly gay life or staying true to yourself and to what you want.

Perhaps what we need is a little push or reaffirmation from those we love, and the act of 'coming-out' to me now means exactly that. It means letting my inner circle of loved ones know the real me. Their support has definitely helped me come to terms with a lot of things and for giving me the peace and security to realign myself with my truth. Don't stand in the own way of your happiness and don't give up! I'm gonna stop here before this becomes longer than it should. Don't give up, have faith and try again my friend.

All the love and support in the world, M

#  #  #

(If readers have any personal advice to add pertaining to this guy's email, please feel free to do so in the comments section below. Thank you.)

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Friday Evening Sexual Frustration and More Hot Guys

After the handsome hot guy and I went our separate ways, I finally met up with my regular friends who were also in the area after work. The time was already 7pm and I could definitely feel the Friday mood start to pick up in the air and the upmarket ambiance. The place was packed with people, most of them corporate executives, foreigners, tourists and probably expatriates. 

As we walked around and settled for a place to eat, I started to notice the amount of hot guys that were in the area again and man they were attractive! I mean I've been in this district many times before, but on no occasion has it ever made me feel like how I did when I was living in the city of beautiful peopleI started wondering if it was me feeling unusually promiscuous, or is it just a mere coincidence in proportion to the heightened number of sexual triggers.

"Oh wow. Look! That guy and that guy is cute. They're even better looking than the real Westlife", my friend and I commented. The hot guys were everywhere I turn and it started to bring out all sorts of emotions in me.

Christ. What is up with this place on a Friday night?! I've never seen so many foreign hot guys within a span of seconds and floor spaces. I decided to turn on the gay dating apps on my phone with high hopes of seeing if I could catch any of the guys I saw on it. Unfortunately, non of them were and I got frustrated.

Throughout the next three and a half hours that we were hanging out in the same place, more and more hot guys just started appearing out of no where. Tall, handsome, cute, well-dressed, successful, well-built, dreamy eyes you name it. It was just one attractive guy after another and it was driving me insane. I lost control of myself and my eyes were swerving from one guy to another like flying darts in a public place.

I was constantly on my phone too, hoping that at least one of these guys would have a profile on the grid. But sadly, I couldn't find any one of them. Think I might have spoken too soon about my new profile picture. For the past few weeks, there is definitely a conspicuous increase in chatting activity and guys responding to me. But on this particular evening, there was none. Even if there were, I was just not interested, not after what was paraded under my nose.

"Are all the hot guys I want here straight?! But hey, wait a minute. What are the chances of them being gay and wants to get together with you either?", the bucket of ice cold thought splashed right onto my face and I started to feel despondent at the reality of things.

Soon it was time to head home and I was so ready to finally leave with my friends. As I got to thinking about my emotions while I was in bed, I discovered a pattern. Whenever I'm bombarded by too many hot guys, I unconsciously generate feeling tones within myself that goes something like: "I am not", "I don't have", "I can't have", "why can't I have", "will I ever have", "out of my league to have", "not possible to have", "not good enough to have", "not masculine enough to have", "not physically desirable enough to have".

When logic kicks in, I started to digest that these are emotions of unworthiness. And because I focus on them for every single attractive guy that comes into my space, it continues to drive me insane. That night before falling asleep, I brought myself back to the moment when I first wrote: Why Do Hot Guys Affect Me So Much and pondered deeply about the unresolved issues that are probably still residing from within.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

'Stalk-Walking' a Hot Guy Up Close

It was Friday evening in the capital city, and I found myself walking through one of its bustling shopping districts after a meeting in a nearby office. With every step that I took, I immersed myself in the traffic, the sounds, the sights and the flow of cosmopolitan pedestrians. I was on my way towards another upmarket district of the city centre.

"Is it just me or are there lots of good-looking people on the street today on a Friday evening? How long have I banished myself to hanging out only in the suburbs? Since when was this city capable of playing host to congregations of good-looking foreigners?", I thought in silent observation.

After crossing a certain busy road onto a public square, I started to notice that the towering lean figure walking in front of me belonged to a handsome hot guy, who suddenly stopped in his track to ask a certain girl by the fountain for directions on how to get to the same destination I was headed to.

"Oh my god, did you hear that?! He's headed towards where we're going!", the inner hormonal teenage girl in me starts to awaken to mischief.

As I walked pass them, I had a strong urge to tell the hot guy: "Hey, I'm headed that way too! Would you like to walk together?" Unfortunately, I couldn't pull enough courage to do it. Would I have embarrassed myself or be perceived as a crazy stalker if I did? Oh-kay now let it go. Let it go! You're obsessing.

I carried on walking, but slowed down at every opportunity until the handsome hot guy caught up. Man, he looked amazing in his well-fitted navy blue polo-t, man jeans and polished leather shoes. There were firm bulges everywhere, the kind that tells you a man is gym fit. He exudes a certain air of confidence and intimidation into the atmosphere surrounding him when he moves. 

"Well if we can't talk to him, at least we'll get to inspect him from head to toe within close distance", the inner Mafia voice speaks.

Throughout the next 20 minutes of the journey on foot, I couldn't take my eyes off him even though I tried very hard not to make it obvious. We were surrounded by pedestrians and other shoppers who were also using the same route.

After a while, the handsome hot guy started to notice me and would purposely turn his head to look at the side but actually in fact, he was using the corner of his left eye to gauge if I might be following him. The inner Mafia is alerted but we think he doesn't deserve to flatter himself.

As I observe him like an eagle stalking its large prey, I tried very hard to interpret every second of his body language to gauge if there was a slight chance that he might actually be "sending me signals". Signals I delude myself that I "might have missed". Maybe he discreetly wants me to follow him? Maybe we might end up together in the men's room? Or his bachelor bed for the weekend? I did a man giggle on the inside.

At one point, when I was closely behind him, he stopped in his track again to ask another passing girl if he was headed towards the right direction. Ho! Handsome-hot-guy-cum-ladies-man chose to ask another girl for directions again when I've been walking right behind him all along? What kind of a card is he trying to play? Jeez!

As we finally arrived at the internal atrium of our destination, I gave it one last linger. Hoping one more time that there really were no exchange of signals between me and him before going our separate ways. He disappeared confidently into the crowd of another wing and I looked on from afar. As I sighed a huge breath and ascended the escalator to my destination, I couldn't help but judge myself again for being so foolish and invisible.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❷

[ Previously on... Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❶ ]

Yum! It was hard, fast, passionate and filled with lots of tongue kissing techniques I've never before experienced. Although I don't think his way qualifies as being a good kisser because he completely overtook my mouth without bothering to synch his kisses with my rhythm, but nevertheless it was interesting enough.

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ]

Monday, 11 November 2013

Half-Hearted Sex in the Car | ❶

As mentioned in the last post, I've been hanging around obsessively on the gay apps again. On Friday evening, I found myself in a messaging frenzy with a couple of candidates from Grindr for some potential fun while striving to put on my best dining behaviour at the restaurant with my family.

One of the guys were really receptive towards me in which I suspect is the allure of my new profile picture. This isn't the first time he and I have chatted. He contacted me a couple of times back when he sees me within his Grindr grid range but is always reluctant to provide a face picture or something concrete that I can trust. This time he did and in his picture, he's a young good-looking guy so I continued chatting.

He's a top who wants me for some fun that night because in his own words, he feels "very horny just looking at my new profile picture." He mentioned that he's an amazing kisser and he really wants to do that while jerking me off. Christ, that is so hot! He got me.

After I came home from dinner, the intermittent discussion continues on WhatsApp as to whether or not we're going to meet up for some fun. But the catch was that he couldn't accommodate, and there was no way I would ever invite him over to the home I share with my family.

He suggested that I pick him up and we drive around while he engages me in activities 'at the wheel' so to speak. What the fuck?! Is he for real? I sensibly declined because firstly, I'm not interested in putting my life at risk and secondly, I wouldn't be able to concentrate. What if we accidentally leave some sort of unintended evidence in the car? How am I going to explain it?

The time was already closing on to 11pm and we were still chatting, having not found any solution. I decided to just let it go and stay home. A voice in me kept repeating: "Missed opportunity, missed opportunity!" But planning a sex date can feel emotionally and mentally draining too when somebody doesn't want to meet you halfway on top of being persistent.

I didn't know what I was thinking but somehow he managed to convince me to pick him up from a public place and then take things together from there. My instincts told me that I should have asked for another face picture because something didn't feel right, but I knocked that thought away thinking that I only have myself to blame if he turned out looking otherwise. I left the house telling myself not to over think things if I were to go after surreptitious adventures like that.

God I hope I'm making the right decision and taking the right risk! On the way to pick him up, I made a quick pit stop to buy some mints and tissues. As my car glided slowly pass the spot where I'm supposed to pick him, I saw a figure of a man and I knew in dropping disappointment that the picture he sent didn't depict him accurately in the present.

My car finally made a U-turn and stopped. He came up, opened the door and climbed into the front passenger seat. "Hi, thanks for coming!" was the first sentenced he uttered. "Sure, no problem", I answered calmly.

"You sure don't look like the picture you sent me", I questioned in civility under masked annoyance and angriness. "Is it okay?", he asked. "Well I have shorter hair now... So maybe that's why it seems different", he justified. 

I felt kinda pissed and taken for granted. Oh pathetic please! Sure, maybe shorter hair and 10 birthdays! Jeez! I struggled not to go into regret and just try to enjoy the calculated risk I've taken. Although he might not be conventionally good-looking, but he isn't ugly either. At least for a 37 year old man who gave me a younger picture of himself.

So I drove aimlessly around the district to find us a dark spot as we spoke casually. He reached out to hold my left hand tightly and uttered "Thanks for coming!". "No problem", I answered calmly as his touch quelled whatever resentment I had towards him. But it still didn't mean that I was physically attracted to this guy.

At one point he turned to look at me and uttered "Man, I can't wait to kiss you!" as his right hand moved towards kneading the bulge in my pants. I had a mild erection not just from the erotic moment that came out of spontaneity, but also for having a guy say something like that to me. The thrill made me feel like the teenage boy I never had the chance to be.

Throughout the aimless drive, I felt him inspect me from the side and watch him come to the conclusion that he really wants to go all the way with me tonight. He started talking me into going to a nearby hotel so that he can have my ass in proper private fashion. "Jeez, who the fuck does he think he is? And what makes him think that I am going to agree to a hotel after all the not-up-to-expectation crap he pulled on me tonight?!", shouts the inner voice.

I didn't even bother asking him if he was going to be the one to fork out the full cost for a hotel room because I am not paying for sex! He is after all, a citizen of a neighbouring country and they are well known for being stingy or not very generous. I said no and stuck to the plan of finding us a secluded dark spot.

After driving around for about 15 minutes, I finally turned into a deserted commercial lot and found us a place in a very dark secluded back alley. It was perfect for car sex and he agreed. So I parked the vehicle and killed the engine. We unbuckled our seat belts and visually surveyed our surrounding one more time. After instructing me never to unlock the car doors for the sake of our own safety, we leaned closer and he kissed me. 

[ To Be Continued... Half-Hearted Sex in the Car |  ]

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Sexual Frustration and a Change of Profile Picture

About a month ago, my doctor decided to put me on a new dose of medication to supress a relapse of my depression and anxiety problems. So the switch in medication has profoundly affected my sex drive. In other words, my libido was so frozen in the low that I didn't touch myself for weeks. Unbelievable!

Although I do still try it out occasionally whenever I'm feeling restless in the shower or in bed. But setback is I could never climax, nor could I ever reach ejaculation which was both equally frustrating and exhausting when you're trying to blow off some steam.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, I gradually got some of my libido back. However, this time only porn and pictures of really hot male models will have enough ammo to tip me off to euphoria. But during that phase, my familiar struggle with physical self-esteem came back to haunt me.

Then I decided to pay a visit to my hairstylist in order to feel fresh and better about myself. The evening after my haircut, I pondered obsessively in front of the mirror if I could ever be masculine or good-looking enough for the kind of guys I'm after. I studied my own reflection in silence and in doubt.

As I remembered the issue of online profile pictures not matching up in real life, a screenshot of the Grindr grid pops into in my head and I thought immediately about the art of image crafting. Of how many guys actually look like their profile pictures and how many guys actually hide better or worse versions of themselves behind that inviting thumbnail.

I decided to do an experiment of my own and started to explore what could possibly come out of my phone camera with the help of my new haircut. I took many shots of myself in various lighting and angles while shutting my ego up whenever it rears its ugly head to judge me from the inside.

The key visual projection message I had in mind is attractive, good-looking and masculine. The image should make a guy want to tap on my thumbnail and chat me up or reciprocate in a positive manner when I initiate contact. I finally selected one or two favourable shots in which I think would work.

Truth is I don't feel comfortable showing my full face picture. I remember reading somewhere on the gay banker's blog that he never shows his face picture publicly for a handful of reasons so I followed his advice. Hence, my current picture doesn't show my face clearly. Which is probably the reason why my profile doesn't get much attention even though it is well written.

So about a week ago, I was hanging out with some friends at a local bar and this straight Iranian bartender that served us was handsome and hot. He didn't even responded to my eye-contact and it drove me crazy because I was in a phase of sexual frustration. I was just horny and in dire need of some kind of a make-out with an attractive guy. 

In the beaten spirit of not being able to have what I want, I finally convinced myself to take the courageous step of uploading my new profile picture to the gay apps to see if I am masculine and good-looking enough to get some attention. After all, I needed to fish in the right pond too rather than whine over some straight hot bartender.

When I woke up the next day, my gay apps were flooded with notifications. It became busier than usual and there was an overnight increase in activity. Lots of guys were sending me messages and lots of guys were very receptive towards the new profile picture which was previously unimaginable. The new found buzz has lured me into the new obsession of constantly being on the app for almost every hour of the day.

I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention and the new found confidence in talking to other guys. But the most important satisfaction that I got from this experimentation is that I am not as physically unattractive as I thought I was. And that the art of image crafting does hold the ultimate power in boosting the attractiveness of an online profile if implemented strategically. For now, I'll wait and see what happens next.

Friday, 1 November 2013

Mail: Dealing With Guilt After Lying About Being Gay

Here's an interesting email I received a couple of days ago from a guy who is not ready to come out of the closet but is haunted by paralysing guilt when confronted with the gay question.

His Email:
I have been following your blog for quite some time now. I am a closeted 21 year old guy at university. Been hiding it since I was 10 and I don't plan to come out to anybody any time soon for personal reasons. I am just not ready! My purpose of writing to you is that I'm in a minor dilemma of my own and need somebody to talk to. 

Two university classmates recently asked jokingly if I was gay while we were all studying together in the library. I wasn't very happy about it. The thing is this is not the first time I've been caught with this question and I would usually deny vehemently that I'm not as I did with them. But every time after I get a question like this, I would get very depressed and sad. I think I'm struggling with my own guilt... paralysing guilt that is affecting me as a person!

I know my story and what I did might sound pathetic to other people, but I am just not in a position where I'm ready to tell people. Even when my best friend asked me once if I liked boys, I flipped out and told her how ridiculous that assumption was! The thing is I just couldn't tell her the truth even though parts of me wanted to say yes! But I don't know why I just couldn't... and I end up beating myself over the guilt and embarrassment that haunts me after I deny being gay because I AM gay. So my question is how can I stop feeling guilty about why I have to lie without wanting to come-out yet? Thanks again for the amazing blog!!

#  #  #

My Reply to Him:
I feel very happy to receive this email of yours because I think it highlights a very common issue that many of us face when in the closet, or when dealing with situations where we are just not mentally comfortable in a space to admit something so personal, even if it is to ourselves. First of all, you need to understand that this is all part of life and that you're not alone. This has happened to a lot of people, me included.

When I started coming-out to more and more people this year, a handful of them actually acknowledged that they've heard me deny or lie to them before. But at this point in life, all of whether I did or I did not doesn't matter any more because I am starting to feel assured of who I am now and have made peace with why I lied in the past.

Throughout my days of growing up as a gay kid, I am no stranger to the dishonest act of denying or lying when people wondered about my sexuality. I usually dodge the question, keep it under the non-of-your-business-tone, or try to answer them in tangential responses where they will never get a definitive Yes or a No answer. 

And although I am aware that the resistance to providing a clear answer in itself to the gay question could already be perceived as "hiding something", but in my opinion, that strategy is always better than letting other people win and surrendering to them when you're not ready or haven't fully accepted yourself. Remember that you are always at liberty to never offer explanations for life in areas in which you don't need to.

However in situations where people corner me with questions like: "Are you gay?!" or "Do you like guys?" where all of a sudden I had absolute no control over the spotlight timing and invasion of privacy, I would usually deny with a very convincing version of: "What?! Dude, no! What's wrong with you?" followed by "[insert cover up here]" or "[insert cover up there]". And then I would back all of that up with strong acting skills that I have perfected over the years to deter from the truth.

At the beginning, I felt nothing. But as these incidents become more frequent, I would always end up going to bed feeling a deep sense of rotten guilt and shame. There were days where I cried, firstly because I felt invaded, and secondly because I was different and couldn't be honest about who I am just like every other normal kid born into this world.

The whole thing would eat me up from the inside because I know that through denial, I ate my own truth. That no matter what happens, what people say, or how much I try to cover up, the outside world has already won by default just because I was who I was. Because no amount of lies and acting will shield the real me from my own truth that is residing inside.

What the rest of the world don't realise right here, is that when gay people hit a certain point in life where you discover that you and your natural human desires are in contradiction with societal norms, you start to develop a set of specific skills on the side to help you be dishonest in your cause. 

You go through life having to use it all the time that you become a natural at convincing people who this non-gay alter ego is. By being in denial or closeted, it helps you to believe that you are keeping your deepest darkest secret. To protect yourself from judgement, from ostracism, from shame and most importantly, from having your heart surgically harvested for a game of public social volleyball.

It took me a long time to find my way, but when I finally arrived at my moment to come to terms with my homosexuality back in 2011, I struggled with tormenting difficulty when trying to do the right thing for myself.

Because psychologically, it's a difficult thing to come to terms with because you now need to reverse an entire human mode of operation and when you are in the process of doing that, you can't help but feel so robbed or cheated of the many years that you try to dim your own light, suppressing who you are when straight people never grew up with that kind of shortcoming.

Thing is when you come-out, you begin a process that starts to purge yourself of your shame. Kinda like spiritual awakening or being more aware of yourself. After 10 teenage and young adulthood years of having to live a life in fear, in secrecy, in hiding, in corruption, in acting and in lies, I now have to purge myself off all these experiences that I have accumulated over the years that was meant to protect myself in the first place. This includes varying degrees of homophobia that was internally bred.

Everybody lies for a reason and in this case, I can't help but see your denial and lie as mainly a way to protect yourself from the outside world because you are not ready. I went through that and I understand exactly what you're going through. 

On the other hand, I can't help but wonder too if there might be the other possibility of you feeling guilty because you are gay but I doubt it. Based on the tone of your email, I think you seem pretty assured with your sexuality. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is go easy on yourself and make peace with why you have to  lie. If you can get to the core and understand the reason behind your dishonesty, then the haunting guilt would either fade or go away because you know your truth. You lied to protect yourself, and that's okay!

On the other hand, my advice to you will also be that you have a rough plan of how you want to come to terms with the truth in the future. Because that will also help you to lie better and not put you in an awkward position when you decide to come-out for real one day.

My view of your situation is that we shouldn't blame or judge a person who lied to protect themselves, but show a compassionate hand in helping them free themselves of the guilt until they are ready to come-out to the world or tell their truth in their own time. I hope I said the right things my friend.

All the love and support in the world, M

#  #  #

(If readers have any personal advice to add pertaining to this guy's email, please feel free to do so in the comments section below. Thank you.)

Smilar or related articles in the past:
I Don't Want People to be Right by Coming-Out