The Venom Of A Man's Enemies

"The venom of a man's enemies is a measure of his strength." - Winston Churchill

The Second Time I Met The Broadcasting Executive

     "Can I see you again?", asked the Broadcasting Executive while we were still naked and kissing in bed from the first time I met him. 

     "Sure," I responded in a manner that seem to suggest I didn't care.

     "I'll make sure of it", he says and he fused our lips together again. 

We haven't even finished our first round of fun and he was already saying things like that to me. I remember that particular scene and dialogue vividly in my head because as soon as he said it, my inner voice went: "Come. On! Like I haven't heard a line like that before, and have it led me on to false hope."

My acquaintanceship with the Australian IT Manager back in August instantly came to mind. The frustration I had with trying to figure out what kind of game he was playing certainly catapulted me greatly out of my naiveté. So this time, I am without a doubt wiser and better equipped with the kind of information needed on my journey towards finding mutual love.

Anyway back to the story, the Broadcasting Executive surprisingly kept in touch via warm messages after that Sunday. But gradually somewhere in the middle, everyday life takes over and the frequency of our exchange fades. Might I point out too that it is not romance or love, but more of a human to human connection that came as a result of a magical sex date.

Then, two weekends later as prophesised from the dialogue, I found myself being picked up once again from the same corner in his black Mercedes-Benz. However this time, we were headed straight for his apartment and there was no discussion of if we were going to have coffee, or perhaps even some kind of a date where we can have an encore of the enjoyable conversation I experienced with him when we met for the first time.

Back at his apartment, we had sex again and the entire process of fun from the last post just kind of repeated itself. But this time, I could feel that the spark and passion has definitely dimmed. Things were not as exciting as the first round but still good.

While picking up our clothes from the floor and dressing up, I had the privilege of coming face to face again with the miniature soft toy Manatee on his side table. I picked it up out of remembering it from the last time I was here. In the midst of his pottering about, he walked into the room and saw me holding it. He smiled at my curiosity and I said: "I absolutely love this Manatee. It's just so original to see something like this on the side table of a successfully grown man!"

Afterwards we headed out to the living room where he served me a glass of water and I loitered around for a good ten minutes while he goes through his mail on the kitchen counter. We talked a little, but it seems as if I was just not going to get a replay of the good conversational rapport we once had two weeks ago, and I felt a little sad.

Then, while observing him in silence and the vast apartment we were in, I had this surreal moment in my head where it struck me dumbfoundingly, as juvenile as this is going to sound, how this single successful guy in front of me, who is also just one man, can own the entire space I was standing in, and everything else in it.

"God. This human being is just one man. But the man has literally built a fort for himself! He owns all these stuff, like that glass coffee table, that huge modernism-inspired bed and that sleek Mercedes-Benz that I was riding in. And I own... nothing! I don't even have a proper career path."

The thought scared me, worried me and sent chills down my spine because I realised that in a way, I am for lack of a better word, in deep shit. I am no where close to even being able to take care of myself should anything happen, and wondered too on the other hand how I am ever going to give myself the success I've always dreamt of if I can't even "see" where I'm going.

As I pulled myself away from those thoughts, I heard him mention that he has a dinner party to attend that evening. So the plan was for him to send me back home so that he can get ready. I was a little disappointed with the lack of proper quality time even as friends, but I accepted it without any further expectation.

In the car, I started to engage him in a conversation while he drove. I was trying to open a short discussion regarding my friend's recent question to me about why wouldn't I do myself a favour and just come-out to everybody, rather than keep the public guessing in the dark about my sexuality. Now that is a whole other topic of which I am not willing to get into right now, but the Broadcasting Executive too didn't seem very engaging in the chat I was having with him. In fact, it felt as if he ran out of things to say to me.

By about a quarter past six, I found myself walking on the pavement as he drove off as quickly as I got out. At that point, I was feeling very sad for reasons I cannot understand. To the point where I knew that if I continued to obsess about it, my eyes would get misty. 

I guess subconsciously deep down, even though I could deduce that he will not be the one for me, I was still silently hoping for more moments together that didn't include sex to see how things can go. But I'm sure everything happens for a reason, and I got over it within the next two days.

Sex Date With A Broadcasting Executive | ❷

[ Previously on... Sex Date With A Broadcasting Executive |  ❶ ]

One of the things that struck me was when we were talking about relationships. I asked him about his history with romance, and also if he has a personal view on monogamy versus  an open-relationship.

     “I think gay relationships usually begin with lust. It all starts with lust where you meet somebody and you have a lot of sex and you go through this getting-to-know-each-other process together. And then slowly it turns into genuine companionship where one supports the other lovingly, emotionally or vice versa. But what happens when the sex fades? I personally don’t expect to get all the sexual fulfilment from just one person. Wait, you’re asking this question as somebody who has never had a relationship, so does this mean that this is an issue you’re thinking about for yourself in the future or?”, he asked.

     “You know what is so interesting about this topic? Is that I actually realised for myself that as a guy, I think we are the way we are, driven by sexual temptation is not because we’re gay per se, but because we’re men! We’re men. And for the longest time I couldn’t quite figure it out. I couldn’t quite figure out if my thirst for guys is because I am a selfish picky person who has underlying issues with commitment? Or am I just… I don’t know. I’m still on a journey to discovering what I need. Maybe you should just ask me again in ten years and I’ll tell you what I found out for myself.” I replied with a big chuckle and he smiled uncontrollably.

“So what do you wanna do now?” he looked at me with an expression that is a cross between maintaining a level of professionalism, and also curious to see what my reply is. I have been asked this question so many times that I now know what it really means and the code it entails. So kids, if you’re new to the gay craft, keep this story with you in mind.

     “We can go back to your place if you want”, I replied with a straight face.

     “You wanna do that?”

     “Yeah sure.”

     “Okay. Let’s head off then.”

We got up and left. Throughout the entire five minute drive to his place, I was very well composed. The juvenile anxiety and awkwardness I used to feel whenever I am within that time frame of following a guy home for sex has dissipated, a great sign that I am getting used to this sort of experience. In fact, it felt very normal as he parked the car and we adjourned to his apartment unit.

There, we shot the breeze while subtly closing in on the distance into each other’s personal bubble. Then I lamely asked: “So, where do you want me?” As soon as I heard myself say it, I wanted to slap my own palm to my face. That line sounded so commercial. He smiled, we made out right in front of the entrance of his bedroom door. Oh my God, this is a good kiss! I love kissing this guy! 

[ Reminder: Sexual Content Ahead ] 

 - - -  Please STOP reading now if you're not comfortable  - - -

We continued to tilt our heads and kissed for a good five minutes before coming to a pause where he just stared into my eyes, and I lamely asked again: “So uh do you want to start on the couch or should we just go straight into the room?”

      “It’s up to you, what do you feel comfortable with?” he asked.

      “The room’s fine,” I responded and so we did.

We each took a side of the bed and started to strip down to our underwear while continuing to chat as if we were familiar fuck buddies who are used to a routine like this. We slide gracefully under the covers together and once again, I am greeted by this inexplicable warmth and emotional thrill of being naked in bed with another man I cannot articulate.

His body felt so good up against mine, and mine against his. It was an amazing symphony of warmth combined with intermittent chills sent by the cold August winter. We kissed, made out and rolled around for a good few minutes before our briefs finally came off and we were grinding our tool against one another.

Initially I had no plans of letting him fuck me, but after more amazingly crazy kissing, fore play and blow jobs between one another, I could feel that he now wants to fuck, in which I said no because I still could not bring myself to enjoy being a bottom. I would do it if it pleases someone, but then I struggle with having that uncomfortable sensation up my ass. 

"Why?", he looks at me and smile as he waits for an answer. Er, how about no period! But obviously I couldn't say that so I said not today. After a couple of minutes, I felt like saying no was like closing the door to another opportunity to maybe enjoying anal sex. So I took a pause and went to his bathroom to clean myself up and prepare for anal.

As I came back to bed, the foreplay continued as he tried to enter me. After a couple of adjustments and tries, he was finally in and started to grind. It took a while and a few thrusts to get use to the uncomfortable sensation, but eventually I just let him have his fun. 

The thing I hated most was when he keeps attempting to pull out and re-enter via different positions. The uncomfortable sensation in my ass is just overriding the pleasure I am trying to experience from this erotic scene of being fucked. Damn it, where's my focus? I can't multitask!

In the end, he fucked me twice in between the amazing A-grade foreplay and kisses. There was this one particular moment where he kept kissing this particular spot on my neck just behind my earlobe and that drove me insane. I was so turned on that I instructed him to do it as I jerked myself off to climax and came a river. Whoa, what the hell was that? That was amazing!

     "Happy Sunday!", I said while looking at him in the eye while we were both going in for a kiss.
     "Happy Sunday", he smiled in return and we both giggled.

We then cuddled and laid around in bed for a while before hopping into the shower to clean up. Back outside the master bedroom, the scene of picking up our clothes and underwear that was strewn all over the place resembled very much like one I've seen too many times on TV. I was ecstatic. Thank you God for letting my childhood fantasies come true!

As I collected my watch, phone and wallet from the side table, I noticed this really cute soft toy that fits into my palm next to his alarm clock and picked it up to inspect it as he came in.

     "Aaw, look at this. It's a little soft grey Dugong! It's so cute, I love it", I commented.

    "Yeah it's from my niece. It's a Man-a-tee", he pronounced it in the most Australian way to say Manatee. I found it so amusing that I kept repeating it in my head. Man-a-tee!

Back in the living room, he went to pour me a glass of water as I flipped through the travel and cookery books on his coffee table. The plan was to leave in a while, but he parked himself next to me on the couch to chat which is really nice. I sipped my water as we talked.

Gradually, I started to relax on top of him and he opens out to cuddle me again. I love how naturally comfortable we are with each other and didn't hesitate to hug him back. We didn't talk very long before we started to kiss again. One kiss turned into two, two kisses turned into six, and six turned into a make out that we both couldn't stop. Jesus, I just came about 15 minutes ago I think on the bed. And now I find myself wanting more?!

I couldn't resist of course and decided to live in the moment. We continued to make out until I finally asked if he would like to go back into the room for a quick mutual release. He agreed and once again we were back in his room, stripping down to bare it all for one another. We got onto bed and started to jerk each other off with plenty of foreplay. Within five minutes, we both came satisfyingly good and the clean up routine repeated itself.

      "Whoa. That was amazing"

      "Yes it is", was his reply back in the living room and he leaned forward to kiss me again.

      "I gotta say, that has never happened to me before. That was fun!", I chuckled and so did he.

Soon, it was time for me to go. He wanted to drop me off in his black Mercedes-Benz again but I told him I'd prefer to walk home, for I needed the walk to work out some emotions or clear my head after such an intense sex date. He was a little unsure whether if he should let me walk home but I reassured him that it was fine. And so he drew me a sketch of the directions and I was well on my way, not before he walked me down to his lobby via the stairs and pulling me in for surreptitious kisses in the fire escape.

     "God, I can feel your lip gloss", I said.

     "Yeah, sorry about that. Guess that means I need to stop kissing you."

     "Aren't you worried that there are security cameras in here?"

  "Nope, there aren't any. I know because I'm on the board for this apartment complex.", he flashed his killer smile at me.

     "Oh I see", I smiled in amusement.

The time was about 6pm and the sun was already dipping behind the buildings. My long walk home was filled with intense thoughts and analysis. I can't work out what it is but I knew that I was in a very good mood and could feel even my own after sex glow. 

It also hit me too that the outcome I was putting out to the universe via the Law of Attraction the night before came true. And that was written earlier in this post as: “To experience a satisfying sexual release with a good-looking guy I consider 'do-able. I’m going to leave it up to the universe now because I’m exhausted, and I’m going to stop looking. If it’s meant to be, it will come. It'll come.”

Sex Date With A Broadcasting Executive | ❶

This story takes off immediately from the same Saturday where I met the American lawyer living in Australia for coffee. By 6pm, he had to leave for dinner plans while I was left wandering around Pott's Point in a restless state, thinking about what other activities I could arrange for myself on a Saturday evening.

Having felt like a coffee date with someone attractive without sex was just pure tease, I instantly fired up the gay apps on my smartphone and started to chat guys up, hoping to score at least one impromptu sex date to calm some of those 'feelings of need' I'm starting to experience.

After about thirty minutes of wandering around on the street and staring at my phone without any luck, I decided that maybe I should just head home and have a quiet night in. I pathetically and unwillingly hopped on a bus home. 

A sex date via ‘online fishing’ as how I would like to call it, usually takes a couple of days to manifest, starting from the first text bubble to the time both parties meet for real. So it wasn't surprising that nothing came.

Back at the apartment, I cooked myself a simple meal and watched some television. The time on the oven says 19:39 and I was still feeling very dissatisfied with the outcome of my evening. So I spent the next two hours cruising extremely hard on my phone. It came to the point where I really thought I was going to explode out of frustration and restlessness. 

“Ok, think I’m just gonna say yes to any guy who talks to me, any guy.” But after a couple of approaches, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’d rather jerk off than force myself to have fun with someone I have no physical interest in.

By the end of that thought, it started to dawn on me that my hunt to get laid that night was not going to happen. Because A, I was just cruising too ridiculously hard on the gay apps, and I know for a fact that things usually don't materialise when I exude such overwhelming need and desire for it. 

And B, I was in an unreasonable state of emotion where I was hounding on a circumstance that concerns the mutual attraction and willingness of another human, a circumstance that the universe and I have no control over.

As soon as logic and strategic thinking started to regulate my brain fluids again, I decided to let the idea of hunting that night go and immediately turned my attention to how I can experiment with the Law of Attraction to let the things come to me via energetic invitation. After all, I was already nowhere near to scoring any sex that week. So what’s the harm in having some fun with this Law to see what it can bring?

I started to think about how I can apply it correctly and logically. Common sense tells me that the Law will fail miserably if say for example, I was thinking of trying to use it to get this guy or that guy on my screen to sleep with me. I mean come on, this Law is energetic science not magic.

But what it does have the power to do, is bring about the ‘final reality’ or ‘outcome’ that is arising from direct proportion to my root need. So what I started to ask for in my head was: “To experience a satisfying sexual release with a good-looking guy I consider 'do-able. I’m going to leave it up to the universe now because I’m exhausted, and I’m going to stop looking. If it’s meant to be, it will come. It'll come” 

Not convinced? Read on. So that sentence above is a very straightforward solution to solving this current dilemma I’m in. My job now is to ask for it, and trust that the universe will deliver that vision I have in my head.

And in order to truly reach that level of confidence and faith, I made sure that I was okay with the Law of Attraction and that I wouldn’t doubt the universe, even if what I was asking for didn’t come true. A key step many people fail to truly master because they rather retaliate and 'be right' when the universe fails to manifest what they're asking for in the exact manner and the exact format in which they believe should be delivered. Remember, that is not your job. Your job is to fake every emotion in your head to feel as if you already have what you're after.

So in order to help induce the Law and also to blow off some sexual frustration. I pathetically jerked myself off twice to some of the hot profiles on my phone. I faked that ‘peaceful and satisfying feeling’ of how I would feel when I've just 'made love' to a good-looking guy I found attractive in an alternate reality that is not my current situation. 

And because of that satisfaction, I am sated, and it eliminates the root feeling of 'need' or the current reality of 'I don't have'. And because ‘I have’, I don't need to go ‘looking for more’. I know it sounds complicated, but that is the best way I can explain in words. Which brings the story to Sunday afternoon where I once again experienced first hand how this Law of Attraction eerily works in my life.

The candidate who will be known as the Broadcasting Executive, actually said “hi” to me the night before on Grindr. However, his profile picture makes him look old so I really wasn’t interested except for a couple of replies before stopping cold. I rolled my eyes at myself firstly for being such a douche, and secondly because I felt shitty about the type of guys I was getting, simply because they do not fit into that 'visual dream' I had for myself. Yes. My name is M, and I am a closeted asshole!

Then on Sunday afternoon, for some reason he starts talking to me again on WhatsApp and I replied out of having no other better distractions or plans to focus my energy on. I don’t know if it was because I slept the night, or if I had no other interesting plans, or if my sexual frustration got the release it needed from my jerk off last night, but I felt fresh and in the right mood for afternoon coffee. Just coffee because I wasn't attracted to him physically.

Within a few short chat bubbles, it was spontaneously agreed that we were going to meet for coffee, and that he was going to pick me up in about 20 minutes. He lives in a neighbouring suburb and was just on his way home after a lunch date with his niece in the city centre. 

Twenty-five minutes later, I was downstairs at the corner of my apartment complex waiting for him. "God, I'm nervous. Am I taking a big risk again here not knowing this guy at all? It's all happening so fast out of sheer spontaneity isn't it? Nothing good ever happens so conveniently?"

I fidgeted anxiously until he called out my name from the left, and I turn to see this tall, masculine and banker-ish looking guy with silver hair approaching me. My jaw dropped a little because what I was seeing just didn't add up. Jesus, what a difference it makes seeing this man in the flesh. Why would he even use that old-looking profile picture?

The candidate was definitely not the gorgeous dream guy in my head, but boy is this one pleasant-looking man or am I just not willing to let myself admit it or get carried away by what is in fact the truth? He has this killer smile, amazingly friendly voice and strong air of confidence. As soon as we shook hands and got a proper look at each other, I knew we were going to have sex.

     “Hey, how’s it going? Had a good lunch?” I smiled and warmly delivered my first line.
     “Yeah yeah I did! What about you?”
    “Oh not too bad. I had a good brunch with some friends and was just doing some house chores when we texted. So, this is all very spontaneous and unexpected, but I’m excited.”
    “Yes it is. Shall we?”
    “Sure. Where’s your car?”
    “It’s here. This one.”

It was a beautiful black Mercedes-Benz and I was just kicking myself on the inside for all the times I’ve fantasised about cheesy scenes like this in my head. I mean a couple of weeks back I was picked up by the Australian IT Exec who surprisingly drives an Audi convertible, and now this guy picks me up in a nice black Mercedes-Benz? Ho-ho, this is gonna be fun!

In the car, we chatted further as he drove us to this designer café that was about eight minutes away. The interior space resembled one of those tastefully designed projects fit for an architectural magazine. I couldn't figure out if it was the attractive man, his air of success, or the car he drove me in, but for some absurd reason, I felt so powerless and didn’t particularly enjoy feeling like he has the upper hand. So I made the effort of ensuring that I didn't take advantage and paid for our drinks, even though that’s all I could probably afford right now.

We sat down and talked about a wide array of things. Here you have a man who has the good looks, the money, the success, the career and the advantageous freedom that comes with dual citizenship. I was particularly fascinated by the history of his decision-making that got him to his successful position today, in which he says that all of his roles in broadcasting came to him straight out of college. He was head-hunted job after job, returned to his British roots in London for ten years, came back to Australia and everything just worked out.

“What about the money?” I asked in the spirit of wanting to know if he had a particular Warren Buffet-inspired philosophical take to the money in his life, in which he says that he has never gone looking for money. His financial worth was a natural thing that just came with his career and success.

“Wow. So everything just worked out huh? Just like that”, I heard my inner voice ponder. I couldn't help but reflect on my own life and contemplated deeply about how I am ever going to overcome my own limitations and shortcomings as somebody who suspects that he has never had the right kind of sails in life, made to easily capture the wind of God. 

“Freedom”, I thought. “It actually all boils down to freedom. Freedom to live, freedom to buy, freedom to move around, freedom to pave the way, freedom to make choices, freedom to provide for yourself, freedom to be. Freedom.” 

 [ To Be Continued... Sex Date With A Broadcasting Executive | ❷ ]

To Establish Oneself In The World

“To Establish Oneself In The World, One Does All One Can To Seem Established There Already.” - François De La Rochefoucauld

The Time I Met 4 Guys From Wednesday To Saturday

There was one particular week in the month of August where I met four different guys over coffee for four consecutive days. I have to say, four meet ups over four days for me is a first. So here, I'm going to write a little bit about my experiences with them, and what I took away with me starting from Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY

About a week prior to this day, a nice looking guy in his fifties sent me a message on Hornet. I wasn't interested but decided to give him a reply because he seemed open. He asked me if I have an age limit with regard to the guys I see. I said yes out of wanting to deter him, but he went on further to comment that when he was my age, he thought that anyone over thirty was old. 

I told him that's not what I'm about. I do have an age limit when it comes to sex, but when it came to meeting someone over coffee, my heart is wide open and that I try very hard not to let myself fall victim to the easier route of developing quick judgements based on how you've aged in life.

Anyway, I really don't know what I was thinking going out with somebody I am not interested in, but I agreed to a meet on Wednesday afternoon for the sake of wanting to keep myself open, and in wanting to give people a chance. 

I was extremely nervous before the meet because I was afraid of his intention and how things will look like in public together. Fortunately, he was a very honest and friendly guy. He came to pick me up in a blue car and we headed for a café in a mall. He was genuinely a very nice guy and I sighed a huge relief that my openness has given me such a positive experience. 

There, we talked about a variety of things ranging from relationships to Australian prime ministers. A couple of key points that struck me was when I asked him: "Tell me this, a lot of guys I've spoken to tells me that all of their past relationships have happened when they least expect it or when they didn't see it coming. So did yours happen when you were not looking for anything?"

"Absolutely. Absolutely", he says. "Mine happened when my friend needed an extra person to go with him to a dinner party. And another time while I was seating in for somebody else on a random double date."

"The thing is that people can sense the vibe, or even know what you're feeling even before yourself. So if you go into a meet-up with the mindset of 'wanting' or 'looking out' for a relationship, the other guy will pick up on it and that'll scare him away."

THURSDAY

Thursday was a Grindr profile who was working from home about 50 metres away. He decided to take a break and met me for coffee at a nearby café. He was very tall, not bad looking, and a self-employed guy who is currently working hard at trying to turn his dwindling online platform of few years around.

Initially, I thought it was refreshing being able to talk to someone with an entrepreneurial background, but after a while, I realised that this guy actually has a lot of hidden issues that has yet to be completely worked out. Mostly arising from his struggles with trying to tame his ego, and his past of being extremely arrogant where he often feels that he is better than other people.

He tells me that since young, he has always had a firm belief that he is meant to achieve change-the-world success. This has prompted me to reflect on one of the biggest questions I've always been curious of, and that is I often wonder if the truly successful icons of our time, from head of states to entrepreneurs, writers to philanthropists, ever prophesised via gut feeling that the magnitude of their success is what it is now? Does one know or don't know? Is the feeling innate or is it just a fantasied outcome driven by egoistic ambition for mass validation?

The good thing however, was how honest about himself he was with me. So much so that he relates me to his counsellor or shrink. One of the other things that we talked about was that his "fear of rejection", (code word for ego) has reduced him to someone who most often tends to talk to guys who he think are less better looking that he is.

In which I told him that he owes it to himself to turn the entire superiority complex around by deliberately doing the thing we are afraid of. Because what we normally fear is what we need to do the most. So if rejection is what you fear, you need to go get rejected massively in order to release yourself off your issues and fears.

FRIDAY

Friday was a profile who contacted me via Gaydar and who looked like he could still be studying in school. Personally, I wasn't even planning on meeting this guy because firstly, he didn't have a phone number. And secondly, what if he turns out to be a minor? I could get arrested.

However the check box that swayed me to agreement was the fact that we have been communicating for a few weeks, and he uses his personal email where I saw his name. So I decided to put some faith in the guy and decided to meet up with him at the rooftop terrace of a pub in the afternoon. 

He writes for politics and I'm guessing that due to the nature of his interest and scope of work, he seems really intelligent when he talks. To the point where I felt so clueless because I feel I didn't have the right kind of smarts that is needed to survive in the world that we live in.

Surprisingly he is a couple of years older than I am. Although I must say that he exudes a very kid-at-heart vibe. Which provided me with greater clarity as to what kind of guys are out there and what would work or not work. There were moments where I got bored because of his constant dwelling on political subjects, but a good conversationalist is also a good listener who takes every opportunity to learn from the other so I did.

To cut a long story short, we spent the entire afternoon hanging out together and then said goodbye in the evening with a kiss. We kept in touch and wanted to arrange for a possible sex date to happen one day, but unfortunately I was more interested in hanging out with him for company than for fun.

We met up again after two weeks at a bar where after two bottles of Pinot Noir, he was literally not his usual composed self and I just couldn't feed any more wine into my own stomach. He bought us a third bottle and I immediately knew I had to send us both on our way. I needed to end this date before it gets out of control, and I was not in the mood for out of control that day. 

So after getting us to finish whatever residual wine there was left in our glasses from the half-filled third Pinot Noir, I hid the bottle in my laptop bag and began the process of ending the date. I had to put on a sensible act too because he was too tipsy to be rational. He kept kissing me in public too at random intervals, trying to convince me to go to the sauna with him where we can have sex. I obviously declined and we both left things as they were while at the bus stop, and also in a couple of emails after.

SATURDAY

Saturday was a candidate from Jack'd who was first mentioned in this post. He was the guy who couldn't make it to meeting me in the evening due to his gym commitments. For weeks we have been keeping in touch, but never got around to arranging a coffee date. 

So after many back and forth messages, and finally getting him to feel comfortable with who I say I am, we met up in a very quaint café on a rainy late Saturday afternoon in Potts Point. Oh my God, what a nice and elegant neighbourhood!

The guy was an American lawyer living in Australia. His southern hemisphere headed journey towards getting himself to settle on the continent was a challenging one, and one that took more than a decade to plan. He reminds me enormously about my own desires of wanting to attain true international freedom and independence for myself to move around in the world.

I was particularly touched by his story when the topic of our conversation hovered on  the subject of partnership and romance. I couldn't recall if it was his first or second relationship, but one of his long term partner from the States had a tumultuous battle with cancer for eight years. The entire ordeal started off with a nasty tumour that they fought together for years. But unfortunately in the end, sickness after sickness, surgery after chemo, his partner didn't survive and he passed away.

He told me that he was no stranger to death as it claimed the lives of a sibling when he was young. However this incident involving his partner shook him hard and engendered a long struggle with depression and emotional defeat. I remember clearly in his own words he said to me that his thirties were known as the cancer years. "It was cancer cancer cancer all the way. Then career, then cancer cancer cancer."

Listening to him, I said: "You know, I would just like to let you know that I am deeply humbled by your story and have great respect for you. Because not many people can say that they stayed with their partner through such suffering and tragedy. But you stayed with the guy and supported him throughout. Really, I am just speechless."

"Why? Wouldn't you?", he asked and I knew that this is a difficult question where it forces me to think about my own level of humanity, capacity for loyalty and also the concept of selfishness that plagues us all as human beings.

"To be honest... As somebody who has never experienced 'consuming love', or at least a great partnership of your level, I would have to say that at this point, I really don't know. I don't know what my heart is capable of, and it wouldn't feel right for me to speak of cancer theoretically like it was a piece of cake, in front of somebody who had to go through all of it.

"But you know, I am extremely grateful for everything you've just shared with me. I mean, listening to your story, it really does kind of put people like me in my place and render a lot of our worries and issues obsolete.", I chuckled and he smiled.

"Anyway, how are you now? Have you found your peace?", I asked.

"I'm better. Much better now. A while back, I was just in ruins. My friends, my family and people around me were completely exhausted and maxed out. They had to listen to me talk about cancer and everything else that happened. They were so sick of it. Supportive but sick," he says in a reminiscing smile.

By the end of the conversation, I knew that this good old-fashioned guy really means business when he said that he is somebody who is not after casual sex on Jack'd but rather true quality meet-ups. It was a little anticlimactic for me not being able to enjoy the chiseled gym body I know this candidate has, but the meet up with him and what I took away from his story was more than what I could ever ask for when meeting random guys. And especially one that comes out of Jack'd.

The Time I Felt Overwhelmed By Hot Guys Again

In a city of very good-looking people, sometimes I wish I possess the power to pick every hot guy I see off the street and transfer them to this temporary holding pen where I get to cast some love spell and have my way with them for an hour or two one by one. I'm not kidding. 

Okay, I'm kidding. Please don't call the cops or the supreme court on me. Anyway, a few weeks back was one of those very positive days where I felt really good and completely solid as myself. I felt as if my life is starting to turn around, I was counting my blessings, and I was so confidently at peace about where I was and the person that I am. I stand tall and I am truly living from the inside out. One is the best version of oneself. Isn't that what people always try to get you to live?

For weeks, I have been making tremendous efforts in trying to induce the Law of Attraction in my life where it advocates feeling good in order to generate powerful positive emotions of gratitude, love, fulfilment, abundance and confidence that can put you in a mental state to receiving and living your highest potential.

Then unfortunately, that all gets shaken up as soon as I stopped by the neighbourhood supermarket to stock up on some groceries. It was just after working hours and the place was literally swarming with good-looking gay couples and hot guys. I don't know if it's because I haven't gotten together with anyone recently, or if I am not happy with the guys I'm getting, or what obsessive guy-hungry disorder this is, but as usual, I couldn't help but stare and pivot my head shamelessly around like a spoilt kid itching in a candy factory.

At the beginning, spotting one or two attractive guys didn't bother me much. I refuse to let it affect me or dig out any self-destructive feelings that I know will overwhelm. But as soon as the ninth, the tenth and the eleventh started to appear in my tracks, it completely trampled how I felt about myself and how I feel about my life.

I was overwhelmed by mental and emotional feelings I could not articulate, which I think has its historical roots sinking into my long time struggles with inadequacy, insecurity, envy, inferiority and diffidence. I would look at the hot guys and their partners, and think of a hundred and one reasons how I would never fit in, how I'm not worthy, and the endless detrimental crap the chattering mind tells itself. 

As I went to grab some bacon, I was confronted with yet another trigger, this time in the form of Mitch, this tall and blonde branch attendant who never fails to make me hold my breath every time I see him. He was too male model to be working in a supermarket. I wondered if he was gay and if there was ever a possibility that I could chat him up, even if he is extraordinarily out of my league. "God, we would look so out of place together. Why would he pick us from this sea of handsome successful gay men?", the mind thinks.

"Ho-kay M stop-it! Stop it right now. Stop talking, stop thinking, just stop. You need to get whatever you need and get out of here. And keep you mouth shut too! Not another word." I heard the inner voice scolds itself. I then went to get what I needed in defeat, paid and left.

That night, my mood was a little dampened and all I wanted to do was go lie down in bed. It's so ludicrous to think that out of all the things that can affect me, it can get as preposterous as seeing other hot guys. This supermarket incident is obviously not the first and only time I have felt to have affected me. 

It happens a lot too when I'm travelling on the bus, or for example at a restaurant on Friday when I was so infatuated with this handsome Italian waiter from Milan who served us. He looks like Jamie Dornan and throughout the entire night, I just kept referring to him as my Italian Jamie Dornan.

God he was so cute! I couldn't decide if I wanted to wake up to him or these other hot guys I see everyday as a boyfriend, or if I just want to have primitive sex with them, or if I wish I could be as attractive as them. I don't know. I am still very confused about how I feel when I am overwhelmed by the sight of many attractive guys in a particular place or moment. 

I've jotted down some thoughts about why I feel so affected by hot guys back in 2012 as my younger self, but it's been two years and I still can't seem to accurately figure out the real reason behind my unreasonable infatuation or behaviour. Maybe this is just a phase of mine that might take a couple more years before I finally grow out of it.